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I never thought I'd ever have such a hard time defining myself in the absence of anyone else.
Even simple things like: I enjoy doing X just because I enjoy it. Some part of my head keeps wanting to add "because I enjoy doing it with Z." Or even, "because it's a nice change from things with Z." Doesn't matter that there is no Z right now. The reflex is there, the automatic drive to include An Other into that statement is there.
Might explain why I find myself loath to do anything by myself, just for myself, that really I only go out when other people are there to be encountered and with whom I can interact. That's one of the reasons why I pushed myself out of the house last weekend. Saw movies by myself, went hiking by myself, got the hell away from the mindset, or at least I tried.
I'm wholly functional, by myself. I always will be, that's the way I'm built, that's the survivor mindset. But I don't feel... alive. I'm pending. Waiting for some/any/several ones to come along so I can spring back to vivacity. Not quite a coin-operated boy, more like an interaction-wound one.
Ironic, that. Given how much I thought I was a loner, as a kid, and how I still don't deal well with gatherings over a certain size. Life's a funny, funny thing, in the worst kind of ways, sometimes.
Even simple things like: I enjoy doing X just because I enjoy it. Some part of my head keeps wanting to add "because I enjoy doing it with Z." Or even, "because it's a nice change from things with Z." Doesn't matter that there is no Z right now. The reflex is there, the automatic drive to include An Other into that statement is there.
Might explain why I find myself loath to do anything by myself, just for myself, that really I only go out when other people are there to be encountered and with whom I can interact. That's one of the reasons why I pushed myself out of the house last weekend. Saw movies by myself, went hiking by myself, got the hell away from the mindset, or at least I tried.
I'm wholly functional, by myself. I always will be, that's the way I'm built, that's the survivor mindset. But I don't feel... alive. I'm pending. Waiting for some/any/several ones to come along so I can spring back to vivacity. Not quite a coin-operated boy, more like an interaction-wound one.
Ironic, that. Given how much I thought I was a loner, as a kid, and how I still don't deal well with gatherings over a certain size. Life's a funny, funny thing, in the worst kind of ways, sometimes.
