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This feeling that I need Someone in my life, in arm's reach, right now, to let me relax, to actually enjoy this iota of free time--I hate it. Some small, recidivist part of my heart makes me feel insurmountably inadequate, merrily saying "You don't have Anyone to spend your life with, so why are you wasting this time you have? Go do something useful." A hidden reset button is waiting for me to latch on to someone else, before it appears so that I can hit it; slowing down and taking a rest, enjoying that pause, will just have to wait until there's Someone There.
I'm a relationship addict--I'm not really alive unless I'm involved.
I'm codependent--I don't function until there's someone for me to take care of.
If someone had ever told me that reshaping myself into a functional and independent soul would ever feel Sisyphean--I'd have laughed at them, and blithely ignored that small self-spectre cowering in the corner.
I know I'm not strong enough to go cold-turkey. Whether it's taking some insulation from the pain, or a capitulation to hitting that emotion high, being totally alone will not me actively restructure how I think, how I live. It is perverse that I need to be even slightly involved with someone, to learn to be by myself. To learn satisfaction with just myself.
This comes and goes. Some swing are particularly hard; this one's the worst in a while. Revisiting past self-ghosts, or accidentally running into them, hasn't helped, or maybe they triggered. Don't know, doesn't really matter. I get through it. Bitterly at this moment, comfortably at others, sorrowfully on occasion.
Life changes; that fact defines life. The world changes: it turns, it breathes, it cannot help it. I change--I am alive, am part of the world--I don't have a choice. My hope is that I learn from the process, and that I may guide this life, and that I grow.
I'm a relationship addict--I'm not really alive unless I'm involved.
I'm codependent--I don't function until there's someone for me to take care of.
If someone had ever told me that reshaping myself into a functional and independent soul would ever feel Sisyphean--I'd have laughed at them, and blithely ignored that small self-spectre cowering in the corner.
I know I'm not strong enough to go cold-turkey. Whether it's taking some insulation from the pain, or a capitulation to hitting that emotion high, being totally alone will not me actively restructure how I think, how I live. It is perverse that I need to be even slightly involved with someone, to learn to be by myself. To learn satisfaction with just myself.
This comes and goes. Some swing are particularly hard; this one's the worst in a while. Revisiting past self-ghosts, or accidentally running into them, hasn't helped, or maybe they triggered. Don't know, doesn't really matter. I get through it. Bitterly at this moment, comfortably at others, sorrowfully on occasion.
Life changes; that fact defines life. The world changes: it turns, it breathes, it cannot help it. I change--I am alive, am part of the world--I don't have a choice. My hope is that I learn from the process, and that I may guide this life, and that I grow.
