![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I've been slipping, lately. Mentally, and thus emotionally.
I'm allowing myself too many easy distractions, and spend too much time looking out at the big picture. Oh, sure, everyone needs some mental R&R, as well as giving themselves a chance to ponder the Big, Personal Questions. But I've been letting those take greatest precedence, and the little goals slide by, just a little out of reach, because I'm exulting in being lazy. Coasting and daydreaming is easy.
Hey, it's my life, right? Don't answer to anyone, now, do I.
Probably explains the slightly panicked feeling I've been sitting on for a few weeks. Life's a little out of control right now, I'm not quite in the groove I want, and look to be getting further away from it.
Funny thing, that. Two years ago, and more, I felt the same way. Life was going in uncomfortable directions, and I didn't know what to do about it, or where I was going. I panicked, froze, and eventually rolled into the deep end of the emotional puddle. In doing so, I let myself get walked over, really; first at work, later at home. This time I recognize it, and I know what to do to stop the progression. I could let myself slide back into the depression, no matter the meds and the counselling, if I chose not to act. And I can actually see that ahead of me, as a choice, not an inevitability.
I don't answer to anyone, now, indeed.
I admit, I'm still searching for my balance point. Or points. The internal stability seems to move around, depending on what pressure systems move in. Financial, social, medical, employment, romantic, familial; their influences have all waxed and waned in the past few months, as I imagine it so for anyone. Life isn't stable. Not for me, at least, not now. Aspects are stable, others are... periodic (I was going to say 'up in the air' but that's not really true). That I recognize that I need to be internally fluid, and that I can be so, is hugely significant for me.
That I know I can move in any direction I have to, regardless of perceived barriers or guides, gives me so much to work with. That, in itself, is almost the direction I need.
For now, though, I need to do buckle down some, and make sure the little stuff behaves itself, so that I really can progress on the big stuff. I need to move myself, lest I wind up right back in the quagmire I thought I'd left behind.
(But damn it all, handling the details is awfully boring, sometimes... *shaking my head*)
I'm allowing myself too many easy distractions, and spend too much time looking out at the big picture. Oh, sure, everyone needs some mental R&R, as well as giving themselves a chance to ponder the Big, Personal Questions. But I've been letting those take greatest precedence, and the little goals slide by, just a little out of reach, because I'm exulting in being lazy. Coasting and daydreaming is easy.
Hey, it's my life, right? Don't answer to anyone, now, do I.
Probably explains the slightly panicked feeling I've been sitting on for a few weeks. Life's a little out of control right now, I'm not quite in the groove I want, and look to be getting further away from it.
Funny thing, that. Two years ago, and more, I felt the same way. Life was going in uncomfortable directions, and I didn't know what to do about it, or where I was going. I panicked, froze, and eventually rolled into the deep end of the emotional puddle. In doing so, I let myself get walked over, really; first at work, later at home. This time I recognize it, and I know what to do to stop the progression. I could let myself slide back into the depression, no matter the meds and the counselling, if I chose not to act. And I can actually see that ahead of me, as a choice, not an inevitability.
I don't answer to anyone, now, indeed.
I admit, I'm still searching for my balance point. Or points. The internal stability seems to move around, depending on what pressure systems move in. Financial, social, medical, employment, romantic, familial; their influences have all waxed and waned in the past few months, as I imagine it so for anyone. Life isn't stable. Not for me, at least, not now. Aspects are stable, others are... periodic (I was going to say 'up in the air' but that's not really true). That I recognize that I need to be internally fluid, and that I can be so, is hugely significant for me.
That I know I can move in any direction I have to, regardless of perceived barriers or guides, gives me so much to work with. That, in itself, is almost the direction I need.
For now, though, I need to do buckle down some, and make sure the little stuff behaves itself, so that I really can progress on the big stuff. I need to move myself, lest I wind up right back in the quagmire I thought I'd left behind.
(But damn it all, handling the details is awfully boring, sometimes... *shaking my head*)
