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as I haven't been writing much of late.
I'm not bothering to limit access to this, as my concerns over who might read it are kaput.
I crashed down this week, hard. Worst I've been in several months, since I left the condo, actually. Not so bad that I should lock the knives away, but it veered in that direction quite strongly for a night. I am coming out of the slump, slowly, but I am fairly okay now.
I think I'm finally facing the fact that when I come home at night, I am alone. Totally, absolutely, for the first time in my life, not sharing my living space with any other living, caring being. It's a new world for me, and right now, a very painful and very sad one. Excluding the zoo that is dorm-life, I've always had someone or something to come home to (family, partner, cat) in the place that is 'mine'. And I have none of that right now. I can go out and see friends, and it's good to chat and do things, but at the end of it all, I come home, by myself. And throwing myself at activities to keep myself surrounded and occupied only highlights the empty space behind me, and exhausts me.
I'm also feeling very much diminished, as if I am only a fraction of a person, living some kind of fragment of a life. That goes along with some of the above. No longer can I rely on who I'm with to help define who I am. And I've been doing that for so damn long, being so terribly codependent, that I feel there's this great hole in who I was, a large chunk torn out, or just a big void where half of me used to be. And what's left of me is shrinking, or at least what I can point to of myself and say 'There, that's wholly of me, made by me, chosen by me, without input from anyone else.' Realizing that this part of me is, indeed, really damn small... scares me. It hurts, to look at myself honestly.
But, I do get some hope from a few things. Compared to my past, I haven't latched on to anyone (friend or potential partner) as a life-saver, though I admit I've come awfully close to it, with some people I am getting to know. I do have the strength, the clarity of mind, to actually look at myself as I feel these things and go 'Just what do I think I'm doing?' and go 'I don't know, but I don't think that's what I need.' This is a new ability, a new way for me, and that's promising.
That's it for now. Like I said, I'm doing okay, but, damn I'm tired.
I'm not bothering to limit access to this, as my concerns over who might read it are kaput.
I crashed down this week, hard. Worst I've been in several months, since I left the condo, actually. Not so bad that I should lock the knives away, but it veered in that direction quite strongly for a night. I am coming out of the slump, slowly, but I am fairly okay now.
I think I'm finally facing the fact that when I come home at night, I am alone. Totally, absolutely, for the first time in my life, not sharing my living space with any other living, caring being. It's a new world for me, and right now, a very painful and very sad one. Excluding the zoo that is dorm-life, I've always had someone or something to come home to (family, partner, cat) in the place that is 'mine'. And I have none of that right now. I can go out and see friends, and it's good to chat and do things, but at the end of it all, I come home, by myself. And throwing myself at activities to keep myself surrounded and occupied only highlights the empty space behind me, and exhausts me.
I'm also feeling very much diminished, as if I am only a fraction of a person, living some kind of fragment of a life. That goes along with some of the above. No longer can I rely on who I'm with to help define who I am. And I've been doing that for so damn long, being so terribly codependent, that I feel there's this great hole in who I was, a large chunk torn out, or just a big void where half of me used to be. And what's left of me is shrinking, or at least what I can point to of myself and say 'There, that's wholly of me, made by me, chosen by me, without input from anyone else.' Realizing that this part of me is, indeed, really damn small... scares me. It hurts, to look at myself honestly.
But, I do get some hope from a few things. Compared to my past, I haven't latched on to anyone (friend or potential partner) as a life-saver, though I admit I've come awfully close to it, with some people I am getting to know. I do have the strength, the clarity of mind, to actually look at myself as I feel these things and go 'Just what do I think I'm doing?' and go 'I don't know, but I don't think that's what I need.' This is a new ability, a new way for me, and that's promising.
That's it for now. Like I said, I'm doing okay, but, damn I'm tired.
